Holy Moses - Agony of Death Review
by Matt Hensch
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They say you can't teach an old dog a new trick. Maybe that's for the better. Holy Moses is and was on the outskirts of the German thrash scene back when the torches were burning and kids were cutting their palms because Paul Baloff said so, and you never questioned that, no sir. At the time "Agony of Death" was released, Holy Moses was clocking in nearly three decades in the bis and a lot of studio work in the rear-view mirror. However great and awesome their older stuff may be, "Agony of Death" is the age-old psalm redefined: you can't teach an old dog a new trick. Old they are, yes, but thrash has evolved into something not-so-retro with all these modern influences going about, and "Agony of Death" is - I'm sorry to say - another example of modernity taking advantage of an aged entity. In their willingness to try something new, they actually didn't screw it up that much, but Holy Moses did make one of the most tepid and uninteresting thrash albums I've heard in recent memory, especially from such a well-respected band with such a nasty legacy underneath their belts.Stop and relinquish yourself in the word "there." That is all "Agony of Death" truly is: there. The riffs aren't particularly great, nothing emerges from the vocals, the percussion is dire and generic, and maybe a fancy solo shows up here and there for whatever reason; overall, it's just painfully unmemorable. Perhaps the fast picking you might be hearing is real, but does it actually trigger anything? Clearly this is a "modern" thrash album layered in influences from the early 1980s and today's thrash revivification scene with more obscure elements carefully colored by death metal touches, melody, and Vital Remains-like harmonies appearing from time to time, but what comes out of it, really? Seemingly nothing fun, exciting, interesting, or relevantly noteworthy in any way, which is sourly disappointing. I remember listening to this sucker from "Imagination" through the finale "Through Shattered Minds/Agony of Death," almost certain I was sent back to the beginning of time with Xenu and his magnificent volcano, took a vacation with this creep Virgil to Hell (which wasn't bad, surprisingly), witnessed the rise and fall of Hitler, and had to sit through the Summer Slaughter tour of bulls***. "Agony of Death" is nearly seventy minutes in length. Seventy minutes! That's a long record; you'll relive the ages, believe me. The length shouldn't be a problem for any band as long as they've got their heads on straight and can write decent music, but this is where Holy Moses becomes the butt of the jester's joke: the band quickly falls into a number of deplorable banes when trying to reignite the thrashing flame that once burnt so vehemently. It is a representation of agony, albeit a lengthy one, and certainly not for the best. Mediocre thrash, mediocre vocals, mediocre solos, mediocre this, mediocre that, yadda yadda yadda. The story that has been written before and will be written many times in the future: old-timers plodding on and on, just because. Whatever the point, the spark they've forged couldn't set a firepit doused in gasoline ablaze. What had the potential to be a headbanging frenzy becomes a storm of frustration and ultimately some cash down the drain for basic, everyday metal from one of thrash's unsung warriors, now acting like a tribute band. Steer clear peers.
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Holy Moses - Agony of Death Rating:3.9
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