Steel Attack - Carpe DiEnd Review
by Matt Hensch
.
I'm cutting straight to the case: this CD is blatantly horrible. Aside from having the most retarded title I could possibly imagine, Carpe DiEnd does much more than make your gut unleash laughter uncontrollably. Even worse, it actually attempts to crush everything power metal has ever represented.
Now, one probably wonders how in the world that could happen when several factions dump puffy keyboards all over your ears like a fairy, but Steel Attack makes a statement here that drives away from such expected blandness. The key on this record is groove metal stirred upon dying influences groups like Helloween and Gamma Ray forged years ago, and what emerges should never be experienced by anyone, even if one wanted a certain individual to suffer; it's really that bad.
Flattering can be represented by individuals applying popularity to receive fame; that being the money and "flattery" of retarded groove monkeys. Dante, however, foresaw a smelly fate for those that engaged in such activity, and his visions ironically match where this record resides: sh*t. Clean the slate of any real, memorable riffs, because Steel Attack is just caught on tedious groove chops stuck in some mid-paced atrocity that never resurfaces. With no speed intact, Carpe DiEnd slowly curses itself beyond all types of quality, simply due to these three-note riffs caught going nowhere; an invisible bombardment makes an invisible record. But still, finding sanctuary in epic soloing will unfortunately crumble beneath their tainted grasp, once again shown by a disgraceful atmosphere in which nothing entertaining can rise. Flattering? Go get buried in feces.
However, Carpe DiEnd fails miserably on the remaining instrumental terms like a slacker taking his final exam after skipping class. Since we're already chatting about laziness, let's look at Peter Morιn's newbie-influenced percussion: use your foot on the bass pedal, hit the hi-hat, bash your snare, and repeat until your full-length is finished. I remember hearing one riff that didn't totally put me to sleep, but those one-staged beats killed that rare opportunity; there's no force despite a wrist's flick. Alas, mixing in two toxins makes our subject one fatality with no chance of survival. Next time, I'll just hear myself inhaling.
But once the ground opens, we all go straight into Hades' bowels, and there lies Ronny Hemlin's vocals as our ears desperately wish we were back in human excrement. Now the thought of being completely submerged in poop brings joy to my mind after witnessing this putrid singer bellow out useless words that are completely atrocious in so many areas; it's laughable, if not a bit sad. For one, Uncle Ronny continually screws up when cracking out high-pitched notes, causing his vocals to go off-key on countless episodes; quite taboo for a studio recording, but if you suck, I guess you suck hard! With that out of the way, Hemlin always has a monotone base, making him seem like a fourth-rate Rob Halford, and because of his natural woes, it's excruciating on the ears. So in summary, he's like Tim "Ripper" Owens if Tim "Ripper" Owens was force-fed broken glass as a child, had has tongue gnawed by a rat, removed his testicles before hitting puberty, and generally sucked at singing. Can I go back to the rotting dung now?
When I heard the opening songs for the first time, I honestly laughed. Upon making it mid-way through, I was insulted. And after I struggled with this record's final tracks, my mind was enraged by what was just experienced. There's absolutely no denying Carpe DiEnd is unquestionably the worst assault on power metal ever imagined, and needless to say, these guys have screwed themselves up, down, sideways, and every direction possible. Of course, Steel Attack is covertly leading power metal astray with its pathetic combination of heaviness, mindless groove chops, breakdowns that edge on metalcore, and multiple chorus-orientated structures screaming poser-laden ideologies without relenting; indeed, your best choice is to avoid entirely.
CD Info and Links
Steel Attack - Carpe DiEnd Rating:0.0
Preview and Purchase This CD Online
Visit the official homepage
More articles for this artist
tell a friend about this review
.
...end |