• Denner Shermann - Masters of Evil

I Am Gambit 
with Mike Rapin

When the rantings and ravings of Mike Rapin fill up among his small group of listeners, he turns to the digital pen and paper. Expect nothing less than irrational cries about meaningless anythings and possibly a logical idea here or there, but nonetheless hilarious (for those with a real sense of humor).

To be a quasi-Maddox on things, I must come out and ask a question that has puzzled me for years:

Why are people so petty about spending less money? Now, when I say "petty" I mean, why are people so "ass-hole-ish" with their money that they will go out of their way to save $5-$10? Now, this could just be an American thing, but if you're driving across your town two or three times to save, say, $6, isn't that pointless, or do you really need to save that $6?

I have to again mention that I work in a retail store, and this where the question came from. People drive from the local mall to my store bringing an advertisement or something wanting the company I work for to "beat the deal," which we always do. For the most part, the "deal" that we "beat" differs from the price we charge by no more than $10. How the f**k does that make any damn sense? Sure, you just saved $10 on a dishwasher or a TV or a CD player or some shit like that, but what can you really do with $10?

Well, there are a few things, but think of things this way with my awesome example scenario:

1. You go to store A to buy a TV; cost: $150.

2. You drive to the store I work at; we "beat the deal" by $10 because our price is lower to begin with.

3. You smile because you "beat the system." You drive home with a smug look.

Now, here's how it really works:

1. You go to Major Store A to buy a TV; cost: $150.
----- cash total: -$1.68 (you spent it all plus the gas you used)

2. You drive to the store I work at; we "beat the deal" by $10 because our price is lower to begin with.
----- cash: -$1.68
----- add: $10
----- subtract: $1.88 (gas)
----- total: $6.44

3. You smile because you "beat the system." You drive home with a smug look.
----- cash: $6.44
----- subtract: $3.04 (gas)
----- subtract: $0.74 (shit that fell out of your pocket while you were driving.)
----- total: $2.66

So you saved $2.66. You could have just dealt with the petty loss of a few bucks. Why? because there are three more steps that follow the first three:

4. You take that "$10" you saved and by some chicken and a 20. oz of your favorite cola/water/etc. (cost: $6.99 + $1.09 = $8.08 AKA you lose more money.)

5. You go home, eat the chicken, choke on it because you were laughing about "beating the system"; you knock the 20 oz. of drink on the floor in a spastic
manner due to your choking.

6. You die.

See. Saving $10 isn't worth it. That is unless you're shopping online. If you're online, you can't do damage to your self.

Moral of the story: Don't be a cheap-ass or you will die.
.

Cover our ass part: The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Thrashpit, Rocknworld, the Iconoclast Entertainment Group, the Pope, George W. Kennedy, soccer moms, pop-punk fans, etc. Note: this rant was slightly censored by the man... only one specific word was altered. You should still know what it is, even with the alteration. If you don't you, you are as bright as a f*cking blackout and should consider sterilization . Love, Big Brother